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Hajnali éberség

Alertness at dawn

in Személyes történetek - Personal Stories

Dear God,

I live in fear. Behind every thought of mine there lays fear, that keeps me away from feeling free once again. I’m afraid to go out in the streets, fearing that the love I’ve lost comes across.

I’m asking you to help me, to be able to speak with you and that I hear your voice too!

Dear God, I’m a sinner, I don’t deny it anymore.

You’ve sent an angel down to Earth, who was extremely lonely amongst the others. Its presence affected me as a drug, which makes people desperately addicted. I saw it with my own eyes, that pureness and honesty are the key of freedom. I was longing for this pureness, I wanted to become one with it, so that I can be who I was long before that. But I was holding onto this way too strong, and without anything other to hang on, I led the one like me to sin. Thus, I’ve lost the most honest desire in my whole life: pureness and acceptance.

My sins rose from despair of staying alone. But I know now, that sin goes along with punishment, which is no other than loneliness.

Dear God, we need to talk. I have to tell you, that I know now. I know, what I did and why I did it: my loneliness, my fear, my longing, my lack of love showed me, that I was going down the wrong path. I know, that my prayers won’t be enough to redeem my harmful actions. And I know now, that although it was hard to lie, love selfishly, miss and be sluggish, but to find forgiveness is torture.

Dear God, if you’re real, I’m asking you to ease the pain of those I’ve hurt! I’m asking you to free me from those bonds, that weigh on my shoulders as remains of my impure past! I’m asking you to help me, that way these torturous memories can serve my mind and hope in the future!

I show you my heart, dear God. Deep inside I’m love and peace, you know that. Don’t let me live in such fear, dear God!

I believe…I believe, that you’re real. And I believe, that I’m still real too.

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