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On the way to God

in Személyes történetek - Personal Stories

Are you ready? Then let’s go!

First street

I have to realize: the third eye is not for looking outside, because we essentially have two eyes for sight. It looks as if we have forgotten about the deeper meaning of observation, its original purpose: observing ourselves. Although we can concentrate our mental abilities on the outside, practicing our power over others, but the third eye inspires us to look inside. Our senses – frightful to think about – are flooded with so much stimulus, that most sensations can’t get through our deeper, inner hurdle, which can be a sort of self-defense of our nerve system as well. Before I started off on my journey, I was afraid. Barely being on the road, I already feel different. At the same time there are emotions, with those our whole consciousness can identify. These can define our actions for years, moreover for decades: being afraid, being in love, being free, connecting, flowing, wanting to kill, being peace, being with God.

I have to realize, while searching for transcendence, I always turn to nature, people and music. I feel like – now –, I have my doubts concerning music. Or maybe I just have too many expectations? I’m not sure. However, while searching for God, I can’t do anything else than to take a sort of objective approach, expecting something similar in return. And music is kind of born beyond the material, beyond words. That’s why I love it so much, because it can give you an otherworldly experience. But what I’m fond of, doesn’t necessarily mean, that others think the same way. Thus, music can’t bind us all together, it can’t give us that same experience. The thought, that music is binding us just as much, as it’s dividing us, frightens me. I’m in doubt.

Second street

I look for God in people, so I look for God within me. But am I able to pay attention to others in merit, as long as I’m afraid to be truly myself? Earlier I was hanging on to people, who although for the most part living behind the shadow of their own ego, they were able to make me believe, that they are supporting me with sincere intentions. How many people are living today in a forced relationship just for mistaking fake safety for real. For that matter, my interest in religions has started off with a similar motivation at the time, but now this is less important. Today, I’m not looking for the possibility of my own redemption in others or in ideologies, but in myself.

And in my existence with myself, which I can describe as the unity of my emotions and state of mind, music doesn’t let me down. Music is reaching out its arms to me right when I need it the most. Music flies me back to past sufferings, doubts, uncleared situations and undissolved conversations to settle everything with its power, that I’m not capable of on my own. It confronts me with myself. The greatness of music lies in the completeness of these moments, because as music starts and I have goosebumps all over me under the effect of the experienced orgasm, and something down there, on the lower part of my abdomen is tingling. It feels like jitters before an exam, and right there, yes, I believe, that God is present in music. We shouldn’t forget, that humans are the creator of notes and are needed even for the making of electronic instruments. Does something like ‘unnatural’ even exist? If we’re looking down on our planet from far away, everything seems simply mundane, just like everything is simply a figment of human and godlike phantasy.

It’s obvious, that musical taste was different in every historical age and that today’s music follows the principles of the past. But the feeling of ‘being present’ can only be the feeling of the living, that’s why every style of music has its right to exist. And as taste is not up for discussion, music can’t be either anymore. My doubts about the godlike nature of music start to dissolve. Would you still come with me?

Third street

When I listen to viola da gamba, the orthodox, Jewish children’s choir, to techno or goa, the feeling of eternity, the feeling of hope arises in me. Let is sound like cliché, God is peace. In these times I believe in the idea of peace again. Music is one of the godlike experiences. Although I’m thankful for the service of writing for almost a decade now, but if I could, I would deceive words with music. Yes, Music, please let me closer to you, let me share this unbelievable feeling, I sense through you, with my fellow creatures! God, I’m talking to you, you’re listening right? Dear Music, I would even make love to you, I would protect you at whatever cost, just please never leave my side, at least let’s not cheat on each other, because it would be an unbearable pain! You already soothed King Saul with your harmony in Jerusalem, keep on putting my mind at ease too, because you are, who you are: Sainte Colombe, Karl Jenkins, The Meshorerim Choir, Paul Kalkbrenner, Levy Falkovitz, Ritmo, Christian Löffler.

Umpteenth Street

Then God said:

Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and the cattle, and over all the wild animals and all the creatures that crawl on the ground." God created man in his image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

A másik istenélmény minden kétséget kizáróan a szerelmi viszonyban létrejövő szexuális egybeolvadás, és az új élet megteremtése. Ez utóbbiban még járatlan vagyok, de a szerelemben egyszer már megtaláltam Istent. Az örökkévalóság átélésének forrásairól beszélek kedves útitársam, ez nem csak valami holmi süket duma. Ha már merted bármelyiket úgy istenigazából átélni, akkor tudod, hogy ilyenkor nem létezik más, csak a mindent felülíró meggyőződés létállapota. Ezek nevében már milliók vesztették életüket a történelem folyamán, mert ami szent, az egyben hatalom. És amiben szentül hiszünk, az a látásunkat és a megfigyelési képességünket – beleértve a harmadik szemünket is – nem csak tisztává, hanem homályossá teheti, sőt, teljesen el is vakíthatja. Nem tudom, hogy valaha átélhetem-e még azt a fajta meggyőződést, amikor egy másik emberi lényhez kapcsolódva azonosulhatok önmagammal és Istennel, azt, amikor a kettő egymásba fonódik és eggyé válik, mint a föld alatt egymásba kapaszkodó erdei fák gyökerei. Csak annyit tudok, hogy egyszer voltam szerelmes, és isteni volt. Most viszont nem maradt más, mint a Zene, és ez a pár utca itt előttem. Velem tartasz?

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